As a child I had a father who was not really there and an older brother who
refused to fill the role of big brother. I was rejected by children my age
as early as pre-school. I was a very sad and angry child.
As little boys, we are supposed to have men who have gone before us to show
us the way. We crave a leader and boundaries. More than that, we crave love
and affection. And when those God-given, natural needs are not met, our
souls clamor and demand to have them met any way that can be found. From
boyhood we all embarked on a journey to manhood. But going on that journey
without godly men leading and loving us is like going on a journey without a
compass or map. It’s easy to get lost. And I got lost. Very lost. When we
don’t have the love, validation, acceptance, and physical affection of our
fathers, brothers, and friends in early childhood, it messes us all up. It
messed up my mind, messed up my heart, and messed up my sexuality.
There was a time in my life when I would have paid any price, even the price
of a sexual encounter, just to have a man hold me and tell me that he loved
me.
My encounter brought the life-changing revelation that while I was out there
paying crazy, painful prices to receive the cheap thrill of temporal and
conditional love from man, my God in heaven is the only God who paid the
ultimate price of death and self-sacrifice Himself in order to lavish His
extravagant, eternal, unconditional love all over me!
Oh how he loves us! It’s so good - it’s crazy love! The love of God which
flows from a relationship with Him and through men who have relationship
with Him messed me up so good!
For my entire life I have walked around with the angry, confused, wounded
little boy of my childhood still crying and screaming to be loved within me.
My life has been colored by a unique type of pain that robbed me of true
life in any experience. It was so deep that I was unaware of its presence.
When I went to an encounter celebration before I even went on my encounter I
was so blown away by the open and righteous display of brotherly and
fatherly love that I saw that I felt attacked by if for its lack in my life.
I cried in the lap of the Father as he showed me my brokenness that night.
But He is a God who breaks that He may heal and the Lord would not have me
left on that altar of pain the rest of my life! No, He is a healer and a
deliverer!
And so three days changed my life when God encountered me with His
life-changing, disease-curing, need-meeting, wound-healing love! I was given
so much love that that wounded and hurt little boy inside of me couldn’t
help but be healed!
That weekend is having a ripple effect in my life. There is healing and
peace and rest and JOY ebbing and flowing out from around that experience
which reaches deep into my past, consumes me in the present, and extends
outward to cover and make the way for my future. I have only begun to
explore and discover the depth of the work of God in my heart during my
encounter. It just keeps getting better!
Strongholds in my life have been abolished. I am finally walking in daily
victory. I have conquered sexual addiction and cigarette addiction. I am
free! Free to live for Him and to love and be loved the way He loves! And
the Lord spoke to me and told me, “I was there every time you were neglected
or hurt. And my heart hurt with yours every time. My grace was enough to
carry you through and still carries you today. And I bore the pain of your
past with you. You were not alone but you were made to bare it for my
glory.” So I found some peace in considering that my suffering was not alone
or in vain; but I thought in anger, “Is the Lord some great glory hog in the
sky?” And He didn’t get mad at me; but He replied, “Mark, don’t you see?
Things that are for my glory benifit my children; because when my glory is
revealed in your life people will realize who I am by the work I’ve done in
you. You suffered for my glory to bring many sons to glory.” And so in that
word is my healing, my identity, and my purpose. Hallelujah - my heart is
reconciled to the wounds of my past. I am healed.
“See now that I myself am He!
There is no god besides me.
I put to death and I bring to life,
I have wounded and I will heal,
and no one can deliver out of my hand.”
Deuteronomy 33:15